Oh, hi

You thought I had forgotten about you?

Nope. Not even close.

I had some domain drama. Basically, I forgot to renew it, it expired. Panic.

But I’m back. And with a new theme! Always choosing new themes.

Before that, I had a whole post written about being fat (duh) but WordPress deleted it when it found out I wasn’t actually still registered.

But then Brooke: Not on a Diet posted basically what I wanted to say.

The gist: even though you’ve probably been treated shitty in social situations because you were fat, don’t let that stop you from being open to people.

I run into people that I had known in college and high school a fair amount that I had been scared to talk to for one reason or another, usually because I thought they didn’t want to talk to me. And I thought they didn’t want to talk to me because I thought I wasn’t good enough to talk to because I was fat. Now when I run into people, I have a lot more confidence, and conversations go great, and I feel silly for ever being so scared.

Anxiety is a constant force in my life. I’m a lot better at recognizing it now that I’m not managing it with chocolate. Deep breaths and flattering selfies go a long way.

I’ve had a crazy two weeks. My friend, the jungle keeper, Paul Rosolie, wrote an awesome book about the Peruvian Amazon Rainforest (Go buy it!) that’s getting some serious press so I’ve been in and out of New York City to support him. My best friend is getting married in a month and I planned a bachelorette party for her last weekend, so there was the drinking and the recovering from drinking for that.

But I wanted to pop in and at least say Hi and let you know that if you’re in a place, where you are swimming in the fantasy of being thin, and you think you can’t make friends, be in a relationship, travel, get a new job, or whatever, because you’re a certain size, weight, shape, get over it, get with the fear, and go do the thing you’ve been waiting to do. Talk to whoever you want to talk to. And be insistent in your greatness.

 

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Influenster obsessed

This is going to sound sponsored.

It’s not.

I’m absolutely obsessed with Influenster.

I never, never sign up for those websites that promise free stuff for your feedback, but for some reason I did with Influenster. It’s not like one of those things where you have to take surveys about stuff you never use, or sign up for stuff – you literally pick and choose stuff you care about to review and then, enjoy, and share the goodies they pass along.

So far I’ve gotten three Influenster Vox Boxes and have loved every one.

The latest one was the J’Adore VoxBox stuffed with Red Rose tea (caramel flavor..yumm), Hershey’s kisses (which I gave to my roommate to bring to work), and my favorite product so far – Boots Botanics clay mask.

I’ll spare you the picture of my mud-covered face that I snap chatted to my friends, but this stuff is good.

photo

I’ve been really, really into baths as an act of self care, so I keep an ever-growing basket of fun stuff like scrubs and masks next to the tub for when I’m soaking. It’s absolutely the best.

Influenster also recently sent me my new favorite mascara – Scandal Eyes by Rimmel. Ohmygod amazing. I’m not really into makeup, but I’m super picky about mascara, and this stuff is gold.

Anyway, this is the point where I tell you that I got all of this stuff for free. I get some points on Influenster for writing about my experience and will hopefully continue getting products to try – but if you have some free time and don’t mind linking up all your social media accounts/reviewing stuff you love, Influenster is absolutely awesome.

Run or Dye Coupon Code

Hi ya’ll!

I thought I’d use Hump Day to break up the crazy wordy posts I’ve been putting up to bring you a fun opportunity!

The team that organizes Run or Dye 5Ks contacted me a while ago to see if I would like to participate in an event, and, lucky for me, they were still interested when I emailed back weeks later to say YES.

I’ve been drooling over all the color runs for months now so I’m psyched to be participating in one…and so close to Holi 🙂

Here’s how it works:

At Run or Dye, you become part of the rainbow.  As you run/walk/dance through the course, you will get showered in safe, eco-friendly, plant-based powdered dye at every kilometer…turning you into a technicolor canvas of fun!

Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly be more colorful, you’ll cross the finish line and find yourself in the middle of a colorstorm at our Finish Festival!  You’ll jam out with our awesome emcees as they count down to the moment when YOU get Tie-Dye the Sky and open your FREE color packet to share a bit of the rainbow with your friends, family, and everyone else around you.  The result is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that many people us is the most fun they’ve ever had exercising.

I haven’t run for…oh about as long as I haven’t been blogging, so I’ll definitely be the one walking and dancing my way through the course.

I’ll be participating in the April 13 Run or Dye in East Rutherford but they have races planned all over the country. As part of my participation – I get to also pass on a $5 coupon code to readers. Here’s the code: RUNORDYE5ER

Has anyone done a race like this? Any tips? How do I get home without completely ruining my car??

 

Writing relief

I have to say, after I hit publish on that last post, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like all the buildup I was feeling about my weight, about abandoning the blog, about the fact that I thought people were judging me, all just gone. Poof!

It feels wonderful.

Anytime I get vulnerable in this space, good things happen. Love, gratitude, new understanding.

For me, I grew up never wanting to be associated with anything to do with diets and exercise. I wanted to get as far as I could from anything to do with health or weight loss. I thought being open about my feelings about my weight would be some kind of admission that I had done something wrong, fucked up somewhere in life. I had moments where the rhetoric surrounding the word fat get to me, but at my core, I never really believed the stigma enough to turn on myself, and my body.

Now, I’ve been using the word “fat” for so long that it is in no way negative. There are some days where I feel really uncomfortable with the weight I’ve gained, but I usually eventually come back to a place of love.

All this is just to say that I think the more you can work to embrace what hurts you, the sweeter life can be.

If you’re closed off from your pain, you lose the opportunity to grow from it and have it push you forward. I’m not always great at being comfortable with the uncomfortable, but I’m chipping away at my walls and feeling at home in my vulnerability more and more.

The last few months of being so sad, I’m still not totally sure what that was about. And I can’t be sure that I’ll never go through something like that again. But, more and more, I’m flooded with gratitude for everything I’ve been through.

I used to spend hours worrying about whether I would gain back the weight I lost. I would read article after article about how unlikely it is that I would keep the weight off, and dread the years of struggle I had ahead of me just to maintain.

But now, the thing I was scared of the most already happened to me. I gained weight. It sucked. A lot. But right now, in this moment, as I’m writing and getting a little deeper into it, it’s starting to feel more and more meaningless. The power the weight gain had over me is starting to fade. The love I have for myself is starting to return, and with that alive inside me, I’m not so concerned, or caught up, or obsessed with what my weight will be a year from now.

I used to think that when I binged, I was filling some craving or need I had, emotional or otherwise. But the thought that’s come to me since I’ve stopped bingeing, is that when I do binge, I’m completely abandoning my needs for something that, in the end, is not comforting in the least. I don’t have to read any articles about long term weight loss to know that as long as I choose every moment, and every day, not to abandon myself, and commit to face, embrace, and welcome in the uncomfortable, sad, and sometimes dark parts of myself, I’ll be okay.

For sure that’s the attitude that got me to where I am now, and for sure it’s the attitude that I’ll take with me to a great future.

Blogging full steam ahead

Hi!

It’s me!

Remember?

Maybe you don’t: here’s my story.

I’m back to blogging. I’ve been craaaaaving writing. I’ve been day dreaming about writing. So here I am. Writing.

I don’t want to dwell too much on my um… 5 month break…mainly because (1) the posts I wrote right before I stopped are heavy and scary to read and I don’t want to start crying in the Starbucks I’m blogging from and (2) I don’t think it’s all that productive. Here’s what I’ll say about my absence: I was sad, really sad, crying all the time sad (yes, depressed, whatever), and I stopped believing in my voice, I stopped believing in myself, and I stopped believing that I had anything at all of meaning to say.

Since January I’ve been growing stronger and more stable, and am ready to share again, let people in again, specifically about this aspect of my life, you know, the fat side of things.

The months of crying and general hopelessness and helplessness were also accompanied by a full blown relapse into binge eating. At first I tried to fight it with crazy amounts of exercise, but after continuing trying and failing to keep my weight steady, I gave up completely and fell deep into a state of just…numb existence.

But hey, I’m on the mend now, I’m healing now, and part of healing is to get over the ridiculous amounts of shame I feel for what happened to me, for what I went through. Real talk: I feel a ton of shame and embarrassment that I was depressed. I feel a ton of shame and am generally mortified that I’m currently 20 pounds heavier than my lowest weight.

But, you know what the best antidote to shame is? Being OUT there with what you’ve got going on. During those months of depression I pretty much cut contact with most people in my life, or kept them on the outside, because I didn’t want anyone to see what I was going through. But, to quote someone famous somewhere, ain’t no one got time for that, or something.

I’m done wasting energy on feeling embarrassed that I gained weight and I’m ready to get back to what the original purpose of this blog is: the crazy struggle of being body positive and working toward body acceptance in a crazy culture where being fat is constantly demonized and skinyness is next to Godliness.

Currently, most days, I feel better about my body than I have in months. Despite having some scale-based self esteem issues, I’m mostly doing okay in that area, but still recognizing that loving my body is a daily practice that I have to be and stay devoted to. When I don’t make it a priority, I feel shitty, I act shitty, and I want shitty foods. So, stay on it Jodster.

Anway, I could keep blabbering because I’ve truly missed sharing this part of my life, and I’ve also missed the community of my blog, and of other blogs, and of just, you guys, relating on things I thought no one could possibly relate to because they felt so deep and raw.

So hello, readers (probably just my sisters at this point), I’ve missed you terribly.