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This kind of stuff makes me all sorts of uncomfortable to talk about, but here we go anyway.
This weekend I binged. After a week of tracking my calories, working out every day, and generally thinking I had binging “beat.”
For this reason, and because I’m also now paying for personal training sessions (more on this soon. promise.), the post-binge guilt hit me really hard.
At first it was shame mostly centered around the act itself, how much and what food was consumed, etc. But that tends to pass quickly as one inevitably does get hungry again and need to eat.
What followed has been the feeling of failure, feeling like I can’t (and will never) be in control, feeling like I’ll always have to live my life strictly planned out or I’ll go off the rails completely, and feeling like I wish I could turn back time.
That last one is really intriguing to me. One of the best things about losing weight has been that I no longer going to sleep hating what happened that day and promising myself “tomorrow will be different.” When actions don’t line up with intentions, it’s a really shitty feeling. More and more I catch myself looking back on decisions with regret, wishing I could have acted differently, reacted differently, and blah blah blah.
So what happened? I was tired and instead of sleeping I ate.
Simple as that.
I knew I was tired, I knew food would not change me being tired, but instead of doing something that would actually help, I turned to food. I was already mad at myself for being tired in the first place (I had stayed up late knowing I had an early wake up call) and so just continued on a self-destructive path.
The question bothering me now: Why didn’t I just rest? Why didn’t I listen to the voice telling me to sleep?
This question has always been puzzling to me: Why is it so hard to do what we know is best for ourselves?
When I was in the “zone” with weight loss, this didn’t seem like a problem. I knew what I had to do to be successful and I did it. Easy Peasy. What’s going on now? Why do I set out to do one thing and end up doing another?
Am I scared of losing more weight and unconsciously self-sabotaging? Is this just a quirk of humans that I’m over analyzing? Am I letting myself be placated by too many excuses? Are my intentions actually stemming from what I want or are they motivated by something else?
That’s a lot to consider!
Analyzing the binge in this way is also helpful because it brings the situation away from my weight and focuses on the core issue of what’s going on in my head when this happens. Like I’ve said before, I’m not all that motivated by weight loss, but I am motivated by being active, meal planning, getting enough sleep, and spending quality time with friends and family – all things that were compromised in this situation. No wonder I feel so awful about it!
I’m trying both not to dwell too much on the situation, but also not to move on too quickly without getting some kind of lesson.
So, there it is. I just want to shake myself and yell “snap out of it!” I want to pretend it never happened and I want to believe it won’t happen again.
I just want to do exactly what I plan to do all of the time and never fail. Is that too much to ask?