Analyzing the binge

<a href=”http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3848097/?claim=mkn3p5e5ft7″>Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

This kind of stuff makes me all sorts of uncomfortable to talk about, but here we go anyway.

This weekend I binged. After a week of tracking my calories, working out every day, and generally thinking I had binging “beat.”

For this reason, and because I’m also now paying for personal training sessions (more on this soon. promise.), the post-binge guilt hit me really hard.

At first it was shame mostly centered around the act itself, how much and what food was consumed, etc. But that tends to pass quickly as one inevitably does get hungry again and need to eat.

What followed has been the feeling of failure, feeling like I can’t (and will never) be in control, feeling like I’ll always have to live my life strictly planned out or I’ll go off the rails completely, and feeling like I wish I could turn back time.

That last one is really intriguing to me. One of the best things about losing weight has been that I no longer going to sleep hating what happened that day and promising myself “tomorrow will be different.” When actions don’t line up with intentions, it’s a really shitty feeling. More and more I catch myself looking back on decisions with regret, wishing I could have acted differently, reacted differently, and blah blah blah.

So what happened? I was tired and instead of sleeping I ate.

Simple as that.

I knew I was tired, I knew food would not change me being tired, but instead of doing something that would actually help, I turned to food. I was already mad at myself for being tired in the first place (I had stayed up late knowing I had an early wake up call) and so just continued on a self-destructive path.

The question bothering me now: Why didn’t I just rest? Why didn’t I listen to the voice telling me to sleep?

This question has always been puzzling to me: Why is it so hard to do what we know is best for ourselves?

When I was in the “zone” with weight loss, this didn’t seem like a problem. I knew what I had to do to be successful and I did it. Easy Peasy. What’s going on now? Why do I set out to do one thing and end up doing another?

Am I scared of losing more weight and unconsciously self-sabotaging? Is this just a quirk of humans that I’m over analyzing? Am I letting myself be placated by too many excuses? Are my intentions actually stemming from what I want or are they motivated by something else?

That’s a lot to consider!

Analyzing the binge in this way is also helpful because it brings the situation away from my weight and focuses on the core issue of what’s going on in my head when this happens. Like I’ve said before, I’m not all that motivated by weight loss, but I am motivated by being active, meal planning, getting enough sleep, and spending quality time with friends and family – all things that were compromised in this situation. No wonder I feel so awful about it!

I’m trying both not to dwell too much on the situation, but also not to move on too quickly without getting some kind of lesson.

So, there it is. I just want to shake myself and yell “snap out of it!” I want to pretend it never happened and I want to believe it won’t happen again.

I just want to do exactly what I plan to do all of the time and never fail. Is that too much to ask?

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Analyzing the binge

  1. I think it’s good that you are taking time to notice what’s wrong and trying to figure out a way to stop it from happening again. Notice patters and figure out ways to help you not fall into those patterns again.

  2. First of all, big hug.

    Second, please remember that there is no such thing as perfection. Life isn’t perfect (it’s simultaneously beautiful and frustrating because of its imperfections) and you shouldn’t expect yourself to be perfect either! Treat every binge — or “slip” or “treat,” whatever you want to call it — as a step in the journey. Just one step among many.

    It’s good that you’re not pretending like it never happened because you’re right, there is always a lesson in moments like this. But if you can, try to let go of the guilt. I know you know this, but what you eat or don’t eat doesn’t make you a worse or better person. It doesn’t denote success or failure. Your weight is not a reflection of who you are. So there is nothing to feel guilty about šŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s