Well hello there!
Long time, eh?
I’ve sat down a couple times over the last two weeks to write, and well, it hasn’t gone very well.
The posts were, to put it kindly, self-pitying.
Maaa-aaa-aaaa-jor self pity.
Woah is me, I can’t lose any more weight, I have no motivation to work out, eating healthy is so hard.
Reality check: living my life the way I do is a PRIVILEGE.
I don’t know why this thought didn’t hit me sooner, but I am maintaining a 90-pound weight loss and that in itself is AMAZING.
Even though I soooo don’t feel amazing.
I’ve had a really hard bumpy few months of my weight bouncing around in reaction to binge eating.
I’ve had a really hard bumpy few months of hating, that’s right, HATING, how I look.
I’ve had a really hard bumpy few months of feeling like I’m “on top of things” or “back in the groove” only to, days later, be back to not knowing up from down.
And you know what? Struggling so much just to EXIST is really tiring. Spending so much time wanting to be in a place that’s not where you are SUCKS and it sucks the life out of you.
I am done with it.
I just want to be happy.
Where I am.
Crazy concept, right?
This acceptance thing, it used to be my way of life, and now it feels seriously foreign.
The truth is, I don’t know where this is going, I certainly have no idea what I’m doing, but you know what feels kind of comforting….I never did.
Stay with me.
This sounds ridiculous in my head and it’s going to sound even more ridiculous when it’s typed out, but I really did think all of that would change when I lost the weight.
I guess because I was (am?) able to get my weight “under control,” I thought the rest of my life would feel that way too.
I struggle with the exact same things I struggled with 90 pounds ago.
Only, more so, because I’m not numbing them with food.
So in turn, sometimes things feel a lot worse.
Only this time around, I know the discomfort is okay. I don’t have to run from it. I don’t have to avoid it.
I can breathe. I can thank God I’m alive. I can be grateful for the discomfort.
I can choose to be in the moment with my thoughts, sit with them, and know the unpleasant ones will fade, to be replaced with positive vibes.
Recovering from binge eating is a process. The urges don’t just go away just because I lost weight.
I feel like, for me, the process of healing is just beginning.
There are so many days where I want to give up and eat, eat, eat. Those days are harder when my motivation to not binge eat is “weight loss,” those days are easier when my motivation is “happiness.”
Ahh, sweet clarity.
The same goes for all the healthy things I do. Going to the gym sounds a lot more urgent and necessary when the reasoning is to “work off the crazies” rather than “work off the pounds.”
Weight loss never was and still isn’t a motivator for me, and I lost my way thinking it was.
Loving life? Now that is some serious, lasting motivation.
Focus Jodester, because life is short but sweet for certain.