I had a whole post written out about all the fun things I’ve been doing.
I wanted to tell you about the new parks I’ve been exploring around my office.
And I want to ramble about the yoga classes I’ve been taking, how deliciously sore my legs and arms get after an hour of shaking through poses like warrior, pigeon, and triangle.
But it doesn’t feel right when, unfortunately, a big cloud seems to block out all of that.
I can’t shake the desire to binge.
For two weeks, since one of the worst binges I can remember, I’ve had to fight every moment not to let it happen again. I haven’t been able to resist completely and thinking about food has consumed me.
What was once something I struggled with occasionally has become a daily battle.
The feeling is so familiar. At any moment I could get in my car and head to the nearest drive through, or to the candy isles of the grocery store, and not be able to stop myself.
The fear with binge eating isn’t even so much about gaining weight from it, although that’s absolutely a factor, but it’s more that I never seem to feel full enough. There’s a feeling of emptiness lurking in me somewhere that I know eating won’t solve but I can’t seem to quiet another way. My body is screaming to be stuffed to the point of sickness. The cravings are so loud and have so much control, it’s terrifying. The desire to be self destructive makes it almost impossible to function.
It’s all I can think about. It’s the only thing that feels authentic to write about.
I’ve had a lot of days where it feels and seems absolutely crazy to me that I was able to lose any weight at all, let alone 90 pounds, because of how much control food seems to have in this moment.
I’m feeling completely overwhelmed. I go through moments of panic where I have no idea what to eat, anything I choose seems wrong, or not good enough, moments where being on some kind of Jenny Craig like plan would be preferable just so I don’t have to think about feeding myself.
I know that those thoughts are fueled by weight loss fears. The desire to get. it. off. QUICK.
In those moments I can remind myself that (1) that’s not how being healthy works, and (2) weight loss is not a goal, so get over it.
But there are other moments when it seems like the only thing that can fix the anxiety I’m feeling is a week’s worth of ice cream.
I’ve been journaling through Christine Inge’s “No Bullshit Guide to Making Peace With Food”, I’m reading “May Cause Miracles” by Gabrielle Bernstein and my scale is tucked out of sight under my dresser but I’m still shocked by the power of a disordered eating mindset.
To be truthful, I thought I was past this. I thought I was done with these moments.
I’ve worked hard, haven’t I? I’m feeling very “why me” and it’s not doing my self esteem any good.
There’s nothing I can do but be honest and open about it, and I’m grateful I have this blog to get all my thoughts down.
The other day when I was driving, I had this thought:
“If I had known how fucked up I would feel about food when I started losing weight, how many of the same issues I would still have and how many more issues seem to show up on the regular, would I have still pushed so hard?”
I didn’t have an answer then and I still don’t.
I can only tell you this for sure, losing weight fixes absolutely nothing.
So that’s where I’m at right now. On the surface, I feel like I’m doing everything “right” but somewhere, something is off. I want to be healthy and feel healthy all at the same time. That shouldn’t be a pipe dream.
My only focus is staying in the present and taking each moment, each desire to binge as it comes, and facing it head on as best I can. In those moments where I can convince my head to trust my body, I do ok, so I’m working on building back that relationship.
Love will get me there.