Lately I’ve been feeling like I just want to be normal

Like I don’t want to track everything I eat every single day

Like I don’t want to worry about the calories I’m burning when I’m in downward dog, or when I’m walking through the park.

Like I don’t want to remember that I ever weighed 243 pounds.

This is totally normal of course. It would be crazy if I never felt burnt out, because I do push so hard, so much of the time. It would be crazy if I didn’t crave things like the pleasure of enjoying a drink without worrying about the sugar and calories and the effects on my metabolism. It would be crazy if I didn’t sometimes just want to eat without researching exactly what I’m eating and writing it down moments later.

So yeah, I’m burnt out.

And this happens when I get obsessive about things like calories, numbers on the scale, exercising.

I have to take a step back, remind myself that weight loss isn’t the goal. My weight isn’t the end all and be all of who I am, even though right now it feels like it is.

I got into weight loss because I wanted my life back, a life of activity, good food, fun, of being able to do what everyone else was doing, and now I’m in a situation that is the complete opposite of that.

I re-read an old article in the New York Times called “The Fat Trap” this week and it got stuck in my head.

Basically, it tells a story of what exactly has to happen to your body to lose a large amount of weight. We’re not talking 5, 10, 20 pounds. We’re talking someone like me, who had 100+ pounds to lose. It changes your body composition. It changes your metabolism. It changes the way you react to insulin. And to maintain that, most people find they have to be as meticulous about their lifestyle as when they were losing.

Some days, I’m scared that I ever was 243 pounds.

Some days, I’m scared of what lies ahead of me to keep losing weight, to maintain my weight loss, and to deal with that I was once 243 pounds.

Some days I don’t want that past to be part of who I am.

But it is, and it always will be.

So, yeah, right now I’m feeling burnt out. It happens, it would be crazy if it didn’t happen.

I’ll take a few days off from the scale, I’ll pull back on tracking, I’ll remind myself that even if I don’t write down everything that I eat, I won’t gain back the 90 pounds that I’ve lost. And I’ll probably enjoy a glass of wine along the way.

Weight loss on its own isn’t fulfilling. It never will be. I know this because women of all shapes and sizes are obsessed with losing weight and companies make billions of dollars off that obsession.

This is a fact I continue to fight for in myself and in my conversations with other women. I have to accept myself now.

In losing weight, I’ve always been fearful of the numbers taking over my life, which is why my weight loss has been so slow and I’m totally ok with that.

I’m more important. Loving myself is more important. Accepting my past and being excited about my future is more important.

This week I will be grateful that I have fresh food to eat.

I will be grateful that I am able to walk, run, stretch, dance, lift, whatever,  especially in the wake of the horrific Boston Marathon bombings.

I will be grateful for my life and allow love to guide me to self acceptance and a peaceful relationship with my body and food.

 “To be worn out is to be renewed,” Lao Tzu


14 thoughts on “Normal

  1. You are truly a new person, inside and out, that’s for sure! 🙂
    My trainer, who does not believe in being perfect 24/7, told me that I can indulge 10% of the time… as long as I’m super good the remaining 90% of the time. And she’s right: as soon as I indulge more than that, I regain weight… but at least it means that indulging IS possible… if kept in moderation. So once in a while I throw caution to the wind.
    The main danger is to get off-track.
    Good work, and good post! 🙂

  2. I hated that article by Tara Parker-Pope because she comes at it from a defeatist point of view. I know it can be hard to live that “new normal” but I promise you that article was full of falsehoods. She has her own issues (I’ve written about that article before) that color her take on weight loss.

    The way you are feeling is so normal, but never ever feel defeated. You are a victor!

    • Diane! Thank you so, so, so much for chiming in. It’s reassuring to hear that isn’t the whole truth. I’m so glad there are women like you blogging about your experiences – it’s gotten me through so much!

  3. ‘Normal’ is one of those things that I always hope for too, I’m glad to see that it’s not such an outlandish wish.

    I have to keep reminding myself that there’s isn’t really a *normal*, to be honest. There might be an ‘average’. but normal is just a qualification, a value judgement. If we found someone we judged to be ‘normal’ we’d find that they’ve also got hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities.

    We can wish that we didn’t used to be morbidly obese, but wishes don’t change anything.

    • This is making me all sorts of emotional. I don’t want to spend time wishing for normal or wishing I didn’t use to be morbidly obese, but accepting that is HARD. You’re right though, there is no normal, there is my experience and what I make of it.

  4. Great blog here! Also your website loads up very fast!
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    I wish my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol

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