Proud, but uncomfortable

Proud, but uncomfortable.

This is always on my mind.

I’m proud of my weight loss. I haven’t always been, but I am now. I’m proud of my falling weight, my body, my habits and my lifestyle.

But there’s a part of me that’s uncomfortable with this.

My roots with how I feel about my body stem from fat acceptance. Love, above all else. Acceptance, above all else.

But to lose weight, it’s been a weight loss mindset above all else.

These are not opposites. They can’t be, because I’m living both.

That’s where I get uncomfortable.

There are many harrowing statistics about intentional natural radical weight loss (no need to remind you that this is NOT a blog about losing 5, 10, or 20 pounds). There’s the improbability that I would be able to even lose weight in the first place, an even worse chance that I would be able to lose more than 50 pounds, and a very small percentage of scientists would bet that I could maintain radical weight loss for more than 5 years.

That’s what I’m up against. Scientists telling me that it’s almost statistically impossible that I will be able to do what I say I want to do.

This makes me proud, but uncomfortable.

I’m all for being out there with my lifestyle (hello, this blog), but there is always a part of me that is uncomfortable with that because I have no idea why I have been able to do what so many people fail at. That’s not me bragging, it’s me erring on the side of caution.

Losing a lot of weight is, without a doubt, a full time job. When I’m not actively losing weight (exercising, cooking, meal planning, journaling, food shopping, planning out my day around my meals and the gym, tracking my food, calculating calories of recipes, etc), that’s when I sometimes have time for other stuff.

I’ve said this before but I know I’m incredibly lucky to literally be able to devote all of my resources toward losing weight. That means social life, finances, and time are all sacrificed for the goal. Again, that’s just the reality of what this takes.

This is what makes me uncomfortable.

Radical weight loss is not something everyone can do, and I’m cautiously encouraging of ANY kind of weight loss because I’m constantly balancing my weight loss mindset against one of love and self acceptance.

It took years to get to the point where I wanted to live a more active life, free of emotional eating, and the result of that desire has been weight loss.

In my opinion  there is no way sustainable weight loss can happen from another perspective. From hating your body or wanting to be rid of your fat. It has to all come together – mind, body, soul.

And it has to start with love. That, I’m 100 percent proud and sure of, but I can’t advocate losing weight with that much certainty. It is a grueling, unforgiving effort that requires being persistent every minute of every day.

My body, with a staggering weight loss of 85 pounds, doesn’t respond like a body of normal weight and that’s something I’m just coming to terms with now. I have to create a calorie deficit so high to continue losing weight that the only reality for me is to be thinking about it from the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I go to sleep at night.

Does the word “crazy” come to mind? Maybe.

But I’ll end with this.

Before I embarked on this journey, before this became my normal, my mind was consumed of thoughts of a different, better life where I was skinny. That’s it. Not healthy, but skinny. Every night I fell asleep regretting my food choices, praying to wake up a different person with a different body. It was a self-hating cycle where I was drowning in food by day and drowning with anger at night.

Either way, my friends, the energy is being spent. It’s how you choose to spend it.

I choose love and losing weight.

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3 thoughts on “Proud, but uncomfortable

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