I’m having trouble getting my thoughts together right now.
A few things are on my mind.
This weekend, I reacted to uncomfortable situations by eating. A lot. Although honestly, the amount or type of food doesn’t matter, but it’s how I felt eating it. I was pretty conscious of the fact that I was eating to avoid having to feel what I was feeling. As long as I kept eating, I didn’t have to think about what was happening or how I felt.
Also, I put away the scale this week. Although I’ve been counting calories, I haven’t weighed myself in a number of days and the freedom I first felt from not stepping on the scale has turned to fear of what the number will be when I eventually do weigh myself again. I feel like I’m living in a catch-22 of weighing/not weighing. When I do weigh myself every morning, I know where I’m at, but the number seeps into all of my thoughts and actions. When I don’t weigh myself every day, I fear that a day of overeating has caused me to gain 10 pounds and it’s easier for me to keep overeating when I know I won’t see the number. Gah.
I had more vacation time than I had anticipated at work to use before the end of the year so I decided to take a solo vacation. I leave Thursday! I’ve done some travel alone, but I’m still nervous. I’m excited to get out of the country and my comfort zone for a week but now that It’s only a few days away some fears are setting in – mostly about being lonely. The best of traveling is feeling empowerment and the worst is feeling overwhelmed and lonely, but I’m keeping in mind that all emotions fleeting. I tend to have a worse reaction to anticipation of an event than the event itself, so I’m just trying my best to honor what I’m feeling without letting the feelings paralyze me.
The holidays are an overwhelming time for everyone, so I’ve been letting myself be completely non-restricted when it comes to food. This doesn’t do me any good, however, when binge eating and too much sugar make situations worse than they are.
This post is all sorts of all over the place, but that’s where I am right now.
I’ll leave on a good note. The only thing that I found that helps when I’m feeling out of sorts is to be grateful. Practicing gratitude reminds me about all the good things in my life and lessens the stress and anxiety about everything else.
A few mindful quotes:
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear” – Ambrose Redmoon
“Action is the antidote to despair” – Joan Baez
“Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it” – Brian Tracy