Here’s some truth: For the last six months, I’ve basically been at the same weight.
It’s gone down a few pounds, up a few pounds – but no significant changes.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t having a hard time dealing with this.
There’s one side of me that knows that I choose foods that make me feel good and exercise in ways that make me feel strong, so the number shouldn’t matter.
And there’s the other side of me that wants to reach 100-pounds lost. That wants to wear smaller clothing sizes. That wants to be thin-thin-thinner.
But underneath all that, my true desire is to look in the mirror and be happy.
To walk down the street and feel confident.
When I think of it that way, when I get to the core of what I want, my heart and mind know there is only one way of to accomplish those things.
Believe it. Right now. Without any qualifiers.
Think it, even if it doesn’t feel true.
Visualize it, even if it’s never been experienced.
Positive energy is my religion and mantras and visualizations are my prayers.
I know that this is the only path to happiness, because women smaller than me are searching for the same thing – confidence and self-love. To get these, they typically turn to a diet hoping to change their life or a dress that will pump up their strut.
From everything I’ve read, from everything I’ve lived, I know that the only way create lasting change is to give love to what you seek.
My new blogger obsession, Rachel W. Cole, has a great post about primary hungers.
From her experience as a life/wellness coach, she says most people say they want things like “to lose weight” or “a night out” – but those wants are secondary to what’s triggering needing those things.
In her words:
For example. If a woman desires for weightloss, her primary hunger may be to feel good in her body, or to feel vital, or for companionship (if she believes weightloss is a prerequisite). The primary hunger below a desire for weightloss can be a multitude of things. And, importantly, she can feed the primary hunger without, in this example, ever losing weight.
Yes, you read that right. We can feel great in our bodies, feel vital, and have companionship without losing a pound. [Please, no need to leave comments about how obese people can’t possibly feel vital or good, etc. See Dr. Linda Bacon’s work]
I was in that place once, feeling great. It was when I weighed 243 pounds. I knew how to love that body. I knew how that body looked and felt and how people reacted to that body.
My vision of my journey was to lose weight without sacrificing my belief in size acceptance and the belief that how you feel about your body is not related to how much you weigh or what it looks like.
I thought I could do it. I still think I can do it, but I know it requires more attention than I’ve been giving.
The last thing I would ever want for myself is to have lost 100 pounds and hate how I look – and I’m scared that that is the direction I’m heading.
It’s time to take a step back and focus on what is important:
1. Fostering a peaceful and nonjudgmental relationship with food.
2. Seeing my body as powerful, beautiful, and capable.
3. Re-framing my media-tainted and unfortunately moderately ingrained beliefs about size and self-worth.
In the spirit of honoring these points, I will no longer be posting weekly weigh-ins. The number was never meant to be important, and it only takes on meaning if I let it.
Instead, I offer love:
“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh