I am where I am

I’m having one of those moments.

Nothing I do is good enough.

Nothing is enough at all.

I’m generally just feeling sorry for myself.

Here’s where I’m at: Losing weight is frustrating. Like, beyond frustrating. It’s slow. It’s up and down. I feel stuck.

I’m doing a lot of things I know detract from my happiness, like:

Comparing myself to others.

Getting caught up with numbers/sizes.

Thinking things should be different than they are/having expectations about where I should be instead of just appreciating where I am.

Also, no sooner had I typed out the words that sugar/carb cravings were not an issue that I got sucker punched with the most intense need to consume as much froyo, wine, cheese, and chocolate as possible.

It’s all I can think about.

I texted my friends, “I think I might die if I don’t eat froyo soon.” Whoa, Jodster, ease up on the dramatics.

Twenty days into Whole30 without one sugar craving is pretty impressive, but still, I’m hurtin’ for some Red Mango.

So, against my will, against everything I’m feeling right now, I’m going to write down things I am grateful for. It’s the only way, Zen Habits says so.

1. I am grateful for my body. It carried me through a windy 5K on Sunday. Three-point-one completed with friends. My friend Kipp even finished the race in third place (!!!) and then looped around to push me through to the finish line. It was my fastest 5K time yet.

2. I am grateful for my friends and family. For supporting me through this wine-deprived time in my life. For accepting me, my flaws, for loving me.

3. I am grateful for all the opportunities that have come my way and the ones that continue to present themselves.

4. I am grateful for this space, this blog, that allows me an outlet to focus on how I’m feeling. I’m constantly amazed that other people get something out of reading it. Thank you.

 5. I am grateful for my apartment, it’s proximity to things. On Saturday I walked to the library where I spent a few hours curled up in a chair reading.

6. I am grateful for my time on the train commuting back and forth to work. It’s rekindled my love of journaling with pen and paper. It’s forced me to be OK with idle time. I sit. I breathe. I listen to music. I practice positive visualization.

7. I am grateful for access to healthy food and clean water. The smell of sweet potatoes baking in the oven, oh my.

8. I am grateful for this time in my life, to do (almost) exactly what I want whenever I want. To experiment. To dream about all the ways my life could take shape. All the paths in front of me.

9. I am grateful for the Universe. Thoughts become things, choose good ones.

10. I am grateful for the change of seasons. For falling leaves, oversized sweatshirts, and hot tea.

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. – Lao Tzu



3 thoughts on “I am where I am

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