Honesty

I wanted to have a bunch of fun pictures of food to share with you today.

But instead, I need to write a different kind of post.

An honest post.

I don’t usually write any commentary about my weigh-ins each week because they are just numbers. They reflect something, but not everything. They tell a portion of a bigger story.

If my numbers were to speak this week they would say “I’m stressed out.”

I have a lot of big changes coming up in my life and a couple of other curve balls have been thrown my way recently and I’m handling it by snacking more than usual.

And you know what? That’s ok.

When I feel like this, bummed about a few pounds gained, I remind myself that I’m in this for the long haul. All in. For good.

A few pounds gained one week doesn’t mean my week was bad. It doesn’t mean my life is bad. It doesn’t mean I’ve failed somehow.

I still struggle with binge eating, and those urges came on strong this week.

While my binges aren’t nearly as destructive as they used to be (i.e. entire bags of mini Reese’s peanut butter cups) the feeling of being out of control around food, whether it’s trail mix or pizza, still makes me feel just as unsettled.

At some point, I want to stop counting calories but I think within me lies a fear that I’ll lose control completely.

I still struggle with trusting myself around food and finding a balance.

I know how it is to be fat. I know how it is to be working toward being less fat. But I’m not sure I know how it is to just be.

I don’t have a nice way to wrap this post up. It’s a glimpse, the tip of the iceberg, to the mountain of issues that come out when you tackle disordered eating.

My head’s a little cloudy, but I’m doing my best to fight through the fog with positive thinking.

I am enough

I am enough

I am enough

Now…The Numbers

Starting weight: 243

Last week: 162.5

This week: 164.5

Change: 2

Total loss: 78.5

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. I think it’s really brave that you are holding yourself accountable. We all have off weeks when life throws us a curveball. You know what to do. You are more than just a number! Totally agree with you.

    I lose control around food when I’m vulnerable due to certain factors too. The important thing is to recognize what’s triggering this out-of-control feeling and try to nip it in the butt.

  2. Jodi ❤ You are not alone. Times of stress are the times our old coping mechanisms vie for our attention most. I can more than 120% relate to everything you've said in your post. Sometimes keeping your head above water for a period of time is a great goal in and of itself.

  3. I think it is great that you put yourself out there like that. I think that it is important not to let little set backs get you done. And something that I keep telling myself. The scale is just a number it is not you. Stay positive and you can do it.

  4. Honesty was the perfect title for this post. I think this might be the most forthright I’ve ever seen you with these emotions – which is good! So happy you’re sharing.

    Also, you’re MORE than enough Jod. You’ve always been gorgeous, especially with that perfect skin I can’t help but be jealous of!

  5. Any time I’m stressed out I find myself mindlessly eating from the fridge. No worries girlie, you’re back on track! Hang in there, I’m right here with you. 🙂

  6. You certainly are enough! I recently stopped tracking calories (4 weeks or so), and I’ve found that it’s made a world of difference for my mental health. It’s a scary leap to take, but when you’re ready, I’m certain that you’ll be able to trust yourself.

  7. I wish I had your guts to write a blog and be so open. It’s so liberating. But I always worry about what people I know would think…I’m nuts! You ARE enough – and you are NOT alone.

  8. Pingback: Pumpkin Baked Oatmeal - Jodi, fat or not

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