All my life I’ve been told that one of the best things about losing weight is going clothes shopping.
“You can shop at every store!”
“So many options!”
“All the clothes will fit and look better!”
This. Shopping. Was supposed to be the reward part of weight loss.
Well, I’m not having any fun.
I was incredibly lucky that one of my best friends had also recently lost weight as I was losing and was basically able to supply me with a new wardrobe as I worked my way down from a size 20 to now, where I am between a 12/14.
I think I literally only had to buy a pair of shorts last summer and a few t-shirts, but besides that, I haven’t needed any clothes.
But things are starting to get loose again. I’m even still wearing some clothes from my highest weight, 243, and believe me, it’s not doing my self esteem any favors.
I know I need new clothes.
I think this is the part where I’m supposed to get excited.
But I’m having the most horrendous case of shopping anxiety. I will set out to buy clothes, try on different things at every store, even like some items, only to put them back moments before stepping into the cashier’s line.
And..I have no idea why.
This hasn’t been a huge problem until recently. I have a wedding on May 26 and have tried on maybe 50 dresses only to dismiss absolutely every one.
Yes, some of them truly were terrible, but there were a few that I probably was too fickle with.
And it’s been like this with all clothes – jeans, shirts, shoes. I desperately need a new work wardrobe.
This is supposed to be a good problem, apparently, but I am filled with dread every time I think about going to the mall.
I hesitate saying this, but I miss the days when my options were limited. When Torrid or Old Navy or Lane Bryant were my only options.
Fashion doesn’t come naturally to me, and having limited options where “it fits” was a good enough reason to buy was definitely easier for me to handle.
I continue throwing out clothes, and I know my days are numbered with my current stash of jeans and tops.
I’m not exactly sure where the issue lies. I know I’m a lot more critical of my body now than I used to be. Before, there wasn’t really any on specific part of my body that I could point to and say…well I wish this was smaller/bigger/different. My whole body was just one big (pun intended) problem for fashion.
But as I get smaller, and my body begins to take some kind of shape, I’m beginning to be able to point to specific things I would like to change. I zero in on areas like my stomach, or thighs, and then that’s all I see in the clothes.
Despite my best efforts to remain body positive, the inevitable picking apart of one’s appearance in the mirror definitely happens.
I’ve written about it before, and it’s been a recent theme in my life that I’m too hard on myself. And I know that buying clothes that fit and that I like is a big step in appreciating my body and my progress, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I wish I had a better ending for this problem. I would love to hear any similar reactions to clothes shopping and any advice in the comments or in an email, firstname.lastname@example.org.
Starting weight: 243
Last week: 170
This week: 169
Total loss: 74